A man’s ego is an elemental and sensitive constituent of his psyche. In a simplistic sense, the psyche is a person’s mind or its apprehensions, functionally and operatively separated from the person’s body or physical presence. The psyche necessarily comprises the id and the superego. The id is the psyche’s unconscious element, with basic impulses that strive to fulfill one’s instinctual needs and desires. The ego represents one’s personality and its characteristic manipulation of the self in terms of self-esteem, self-image, or self- worth. The superego operatively responds to the psyche’s actual tendency to force the ego’s conformity with societal standards and external stimuli. A man’s ego thus is the conscious component of his psyche, developed and conditioned by external variables, such as his upbringing, societal norms, expectations, and the world around him. His ego functionally attempts and strives to resolve conflicts between his id and superego. Thus, a man’s ego is that part of his thinking or feeling that always is self-aware and conscious of societal and conformist expectations of manhood and manhood qualities. By its nature, a man’s ego always is on the alert, variably sensitive in heightened degrees to threats and challenges in his social environment. The ego will assume a defensive or an offensive posture depending on the perceived threat or assault. As a natural phenomenon, the masculine ego manifests itself even among other mammals. The male pride when ruffled or bruised may go into withdrawal or reclusion, or kick into anger, hostility, and aggression. You do not throw stones at a nervous tiger. Let the sleeping dog snooze in peace. It is easier to stem and avoid a crisis than to contain its splashing eruption. When your man antisocially or reclusively withdraws from you to himself, he either does not say much or gets snappy. Know how to manage the situation. A man, of course, sends the wrong signal when his stance is unclear and confusing, and his failure to communicate leaves the woman guessing as to the reason for his surliness or sullenness. A woman often finds it puzzling when an unexplained distance or relational lacuna suddenly appears in her romance. The man unexpectedly retreats into withdrawal, seems distant, disconnected and disinterested or repelled by his woman’s presence and attempts at closeness. This is the same man who a few days ago profusely proclaimed his love for you. Yet, now he is so distant and disengaged, and you are tempted to wonder whether his interest has shifted to another woman. Well, your suspicion could be right, that there is another woman in the emotional mix. It, however, would be unlikely since just some days ago he profusely confessed his affection for you. He probably is going through some personal problems and has become reclusive. Some men, as you must have observed, tend to move into withdrawal and retreat when they contend with stressful personal problems. They tend to be ego-restrained and reluctant to discuss the problems. His mind probably is in a straggle or struggle. Whatever the source of his mood shifts do not assume that you are the cause unless he so says. In such a straggled situation, let him have all the time and space he thinks he needs away from you. He will be back, and when he does, remember to clarify issues with him, understandingly reminding him of the need for effective communication in the interest of refined affinity and its uplift. |
Romance Check
| Understanding the Male Ego |
| ISBN 9781438912134 AuthorHouse, Inc. Find a Good Man and Keep Him 264 pages |
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| Still Searching for the Elusive Mr. Right? He Doesn't Exist, or Does He? A good man is not a needle in a haystack, as one lady suggested at a singles event in Detroit, Michigan. Melinda, a 37-year old beauty queen, earnestly complained that “finding a good man is like looking for a needle in a haystack." By way of a joke we asked Melinda how the needle got in the haystack, and in good humor Melinda said Venus intentionally buried the needle in the stack to hurt some women. Indeed, looking for a needle in a haystack is toilsome and hazardous. Our purpose here is to enable you avoid the drudgery and hurtful chore of burrowing through a haystack for one good mate. For contextual clarification, the word “mate” appears here and throughout this book in the positive sense of a match or a potentially fit pairing between a man and a woman. There are many good men out there, and the inverted place to find them is in a hay dump. The quality of goodness is distinct and unmistakable; it is striking, pleasingly fulfilling, and worthy. A good man or woman is self-illuminating even in a dim pitch, outstanding and readily recognizable as such. Goodness is a universal value. Yet, in spite of its distinct and striking quality, we sometimes fail to recognize the appearance and glimmer of essential goodness, blinded at such times by the glittering gimcrack of superficiality. In our chase for the wild gander, we trade and barter the real for the ideal. We learn by contrasts and do not quite appreciate what we have until it is gone. Once in your life you must have wondered why you let a good man walk away, straight out of your life. The regretful mutter usually is “I shouldn’t have let him go,” but by then it is too late to have him back. He was a good man and still is, but you failed or refused to recognize any semblance of goodness in him. You thought at the time that there was “greener grass” over the fence because your fancies and fantasies were elsewhere, locked on to someone you perceived as the ideal man, possibly highly educated and finessed, masculine, rich and powerful, flower-bearing, and a host of other superficial attributes. You probably thought, and still think, that your Romeo would be a man in a splendid and glamorous toga, bearing in one frame all the attributes of the angelic ideal, arriving with fanfare in fulfillment of your imagination. Yet, even if there ever was such a man, he would arrive with disappointment, with his earthly allotment of human shortcomings. You probably are in a present relationship. For whatever reasons, however, you are dissatisfied with the man in your life, meanwhile anticipating the ideal man’s arrival. Even without realizing it you remain welded to the cinematic ideal of the perfect man. The years roll through time, seasons come and pass, and your imaginary man still has not arrived. Maybe you are married, but your marriage has not fetched you the fulfillment you imagined and you possibly are in the throes of separation or divorce. Has it then occurred to you that by your choices and standards you well could be the builder and cause of your unhappy relationship? Is it possible that at a subconscious level you chose or have chosen cosmetics over compatibility? Are your criteria for a mate and a loving relationship tilted toward the angles of self-defeat and frustration? Have you in anticipation of fabled perfect man ignored the intrinsic goodness of the other man or men now around you? Choices do come with measurable consequences, and your part in life’s concert is to sing the encore of a happy chorus. The thematic premise and assumption here is that your objective desire is to find and keep a good man for good. This book explores the various paths that can lead to the happy chorus of passion and romance as you walk in grace and confidence towards a desirable destination. When you find the good man he will join you in the graceful walk, and will accompany you in alto or bass in an unending love song. You certainly will find him if you are prepared to discern and separate the husk from the grain. If your focus and emphasis have been on the outward and superficial, you will realize that you cannot plumb or plunge a haystack in search of poppies and plums. The fields of love are not a quicksand. If your love sphere has been full of bruises and recurring disappointment, it is imperative that you retrace your steps and remap your approaches. If you are single and your anxiety or discomfort heightens with the passage of each birth anniversary, then it is necessary that you bring a fresh and dispassionate outlook to the causes or sources of your apprehension and discomfiture. You factually do not need a man, good or bad, to be happy. Be that as it may, nature’s constructs and imprints have erected special bonds and affinities between the sexes because humanly we all need soulful companionship and the fullness of love. At the end of each day through the night, we welcome the thought and touch of a soul mate, a special and exclusive companion. True love so far has been elusive, yet you wish to love and be loved. You wonder why your career and other endeavors have been so successful except for the persistent phenomenon of failed relationships and “bad luck with men.” You fail to realize, however, that “bad luck with men” is a self- imposed and dastard corruption of your own mind. You are to blame if you so corrupt your own mind. The notion of “bad luck with men” is superstitious, unrealistic, and self-defeating. Jacque, forty-two years old, is a successful vice president of a Fortune 500 company in New York. She is powerful and commands unquestionable presence at work. She heads a department that comprises over fifty-eight hundred men and women across ten States. Jacque has the money and the access to material comfort, but she wonders why many men have passed through her life in rapid succession, each seemingly refusing to stop and stay for a lasting relationship. She is beautiful, goes to Church weekly, and keeps a respectable company of friends. Jacque, however, is baffled and cannot understand the predictable stop-and-go disposition of all the men she has dated in the past twelve years. In her view she is a “good catch” yet, she wonders why men seem uninterested in her and literally pass by her in brisk succession, at a stop-and-go speed. This has been Jacque’s unsatisfactory experience with men in a dozen years. Jacque over time believes she has bad luck with men. In the discussions that follow we will explore the Jacque phenomenon, including a variety of scenarios and challenges in which a seeming good woman cannot find or keep a good man. You possibly are in your late thirties or forties. Much like Jacque you probably are quite successful in your career and other endeavors, except for the recurrent failure in your love matters. Over the years you have had a number of exciting and promising relationships, but each and all ended in shatters and Mr. Right continues to be elusive. Understand, however, that whatever the scenario or challenges you have encountered or now encounter, there still is one good man out there in search of a woman like you. You do not fail in your quest until you give up the hope of success. If your search is for a soul mate, you must keep the hope firm and alive. |
You Can't Fool Love, Can You? Love implies unity, and must be selfless; it is the convergence and interplay of parts in a harmonious whole. True love seeks concordance between the two lovers, and efficiently combines the parts to functionalize the whole. In a fundamental sense love means joy and its fullness in an uplifting relationship. If you lack joy in your relationship and instead suffer fear, depression, or sadness, then you are not in love. Love is a perceptible spiritual and intimate experience. Love is intimate and passionate, involving one’s fervent desire to feel the other person’s presence and affection, an intense feeling to share and belong in wholeness. Love then withers when compelled by circumstances to slow or shed its momentum. Even then, love’s withering process is slow and often reluctant to pass away, staying open to the possibility of a quickening renewal. It is vital, in realistic terms, that you systemically reassess the possible viability of lingering love before you extinguish it. If you extinguished it with lingering feelings of attachment or regret, you then would have an unwholesome baggage to carry around for quite a while. Physicists and social scientists closely share a common plank on the theories of affinity, attachment, and bonding. Love is cognitive, being an observable social experience. Love necessarily consists of intimacy, passion, and fulfillment. Fulfillment manifests itself in the quality and quantum of compassion that sustains the romance. Love progressively insists on mutual fulfillment. Romantic love generates and stirs sensation, passion, and enthusiasm in the relationship. Romance is a unifying influence in every relationship, harmonious and compassionate in quality, exciting and elating in nature, mutually fulfilling in physical sensation, and consciously uplifting in mental particulars. Much like the cosmos, true love boasts a universal theme in its manifestation of order, harmony, and internal beauty. The dynamic mechanism of love and romance will not settle for less than it deserves and expects. Love’s expectancies, however, are likely to end in frustration if they are one-sided. Further, one would have a rational difficulty identifying passion’s endpoint as it progresses towards commitment, if it ever does. Passion, a matter of emotional intensity, is the logical subject of stimuli, and may wane or wax at any point in the progression. The demarcation between passion and intimacy or between commitment and love is inexact and ought to be so. Passion, discernable in infatuation, lust, or true love, manifests itself in strong or mixed emotions that are neither constant nor amenable to quantification. The preference here is to conceptualize passion as a transferable emotion rather than a transformable emotion. Thus, it almost is impracticable to peg, fix, or isolate changes in passion or ascertain the exact points of change in emotional progression. This is so because emotions are subject to oscillation and vacillation, continually responsive to internal and external stimuli. To be sure, relational progression is not linear either in form or substance. Passion oftentimes is intense and overpowering, removed from sober rationalizations that may drive or dissuade one’s desire to consummate a relationship. Love hardly is open to unfolding gradation. If a love relationship is to thrive, passion must run through the entire gamut, from intimacy through commitment. In its componential character, passion could well be an uneventful gesture substantively devoid of any marks of progression beyond the enthralling ecstasies of the time. While the idea of romantic love may appear as a bundle of enthralling ecstasies, its distinguishing mark is its amenability to advancement from bare attraction and association to soulful convergences in time and space. Love and romance create and operate in an electric environment that has ample capacity to elevate the spirit and the consciousness. The search for a “Mr. Right” thus is elusive and illusory because true love recognizes and thrives on recognizable imperfections. In this construct, the quintessential perfect-couple model emerges as the consummate variety. In real life, however, the problem with the perfect- couple variety is that it often thrives on outward appearances and cosmetic projections. Perfection is utopian in its thrust and expectancies. The perfect couple is more likely to encounter serious problems in a relationship than the imperfect couple. For the married as well as the unmarried, a sense of perfection may produce the ostrich mentality, wherein pretense rather than reality sways the relationship. In all likelihood it will be self-deceiving for a couple to play the colorful ostrich, pretending that everything is normal and settled even in the midst of serious and threatening relational problems. One plays the elegant ostrich, self-deceptively so, when one refuses to face the obvious problems in one’s relationship, acting as if all is well. A lot of times mates and couples whose relationship is in distress continue to create and project a make-believe impression of normality. Such couples seem more concerned with the negative or praiseful opinions of outside observers than they are with finding immediate solutions to their relational problems. The warning sign of a problematic relationship is when exterior appearances overtake internal consistency. At that point intimacy and passion begin to fizzle, and the relationship sets bound for a collapse unless the couple expeditiously moves for remedial action. Love never grows old as long as it stays alive. Candidness helps love stay alive, but pretense ruins a good relationship. There are many relationships that thrive on cosmetic appearances, mere showpieces of love without substance in fact. It is not surprising, therefore, that there are married persons who actually have not submitted to love. A woman and her mate, whether married or unmarried, are likely to suffocate their relationship if they fail to be candid to each other. It is surprising and discomfiting to find a man and a woman who for several years have been in a loveless relationship, but for some reasons seem determined to sustain the facade and likeness of a blissful romance. Yet, between them there never was love or the love was long lost. It is never too late, of course, to fall in love if the romantic parameters are present and retrievable. For new acquaintances, falling in love is vitalizing and ecstatic when it proceeds from the point of honesty and candidness. For the married or unmarried couple, submission or resubmission to love is opportune and correctively refreshing. Love is true to itself and will wither in infertile grounds. |
| Ride with Love Love is joy and a good man brings you abundant joy. Do not, therefore, confuse goodness with centerfold fashion, material possession, or other superficial qualities. The good man must be someone whose innate qualities and attributes suit your spiritual comfort and fetch you boundless joy. If ultimately he shows up in centerfold style, with material wealth or advanced degrees, you well can consider these as extras. Your basic definition, however, identifies a man whose presence in your life brings you immeasurable joy and happiness. If you already are in a relationship, by now you know how adequately the relationship meets your expectations. Whatever your present circumstances, you have made a choice and should work to love your choice by sustaining an environment of affection and love in your relationship. What use is a romantic or marital relationship if it is devoid of goodness and joy? If in your present relationship there is rancor, set your mind on all that is good and in a little while the goodness in him will emerge. If you are in a search for the good man, remain steadfast and he will come your way in due course. |
| A Single Mother Deserves a Special Man A single mother deserves the companionship of a man who sufficiently is positioned, by experience or understanding, to reckon with her daily challenges. Between two single parents there is appreciative room for a respectable understanding of parenting situations. Two single parents show understanding when the children’s noises erupt in the background over the phone. A single father will be more thoughtful and accepting of the daily child-raising challenges you face. Two single parents tend to compare and joke about these challenges, and will show understanding in the event of missed dates and last-minute cancellation of dates. Although there are fewer single fathers than single mothers, a single father aptly will do well with a single mother if all other necessary conditions are favorable. Two single parents will make a good match because they do share common challenges and experiences, and will see the children’s presence as an added value rather than a baggage burden. Two single parents are able in due course to merge into a common unit, assuming the absent parent or former spouse does not bring troublesome cogs to the wheel. All things being close and equal, there will be ready compatibility between two single parents. The challenge often is lopsided, however, when a single parent dates a non-parent. The non-parent fully may not relate to the daily challenges and child-tending tackles that confront the single parent. For the single mother, you may have a problem if your mate or potential mate is not quite in tune with your ever-present “excuses” about the girls’ volleyball tournament next Friday or the boys’ after- school football practice. Your mate could have an “attention-surplus disorder” if his whining angst and irritation always is “what about me?” This will be a mate who fails to recognize that your obligation and commitment to the children have priority in the scale of considerations. Men who date single mothers often complain about the interruptions they encounter from background noises and the kids’ curious interferences. Yvonne is a single mother of three teenagers. Randolph, her boyfriend, complains that his patience is stretched whenever he holds a conversation with Yvonne. Randolph complains that it always is “just a minute, Randy,” as Yvonne dashes off for a few minutes to supervise the kids or yell at them. Well, a man objectively must come to terms with the children’s presence and accommodate it. If a man, by action or words, indicated that he only wanted you and not your children, you would be wise to let him walk off to some other woman. There definitely is a problem in your relationship if your mate fails to understand that your children and you caringly are inseparable, particularly with minor children in the fold. Thus, as you settle for a mate, you must determine upfront if there are children in the mix and how both of you intend to manage the children’s presence and interest in your relationship, which is not a difficult task to accomplish. The suggestion here is that you find quiet and ample times for romance. Some men, for instance, are irritated when the kids, screaming in the background for mama’s attention, want mama off the telephone. So, find appropriate times for romantic conversations, possibly after the kids have gone to sleep. Balance and integrate the competing interests towards harmony. “No child left behind” A good man comes to you with full appreciation for the loveliness and goodness you embody, which include your tender affection for your child or children. As a parent your elemental considerations appear well defined and, because the option is fixed, you should never be in a position to choose between your child and a mate. The children, particularly the minors in age, have priority because of their dependent status for support and sustenance, maternal and material. Your primary responsibility always is to your child and an incoming man must have agapē for your children. He must have a sufficient flow of altruism and goodness toward your child or children. A man that seeks entry to your life thus faces the challenge of two persuasive moves. First, he must earn your trust and win your affection, including the children’s approbation. Children, by some canny instinct or predisposition, are able to judge compatibility between their parent and an incoming man or woman. Second, the man must be cognizant of your parental status and circumstance, and should come in with a supportive attitude. The presence of children in the home becomes an unnerving challenge only when the non-parent partner lacks the courage, dedication, and affection that all successful love relationships require to flourish. Be aware, however, that kids deliberately may choose to sour your romantic relationship, sometimes out of loyalty to their father or dissatisfaction with your new man. Some children initially tend to see an incoming male figure as an “intruder” who, figuratively, must not sit in Dad’s favorite chair or cuddle with Mom. At the dating stage, your romance might collapse if your child was determined to frustrate and block the relationship. For most children, regardless of Mom’s problems with their father, only one man matters and his name is Dad. This, of course, might not be the case in those unpleasant circumstances where Dad has been absent or there already was love lost between father and child. Early hostilities between the children and your man are occurrences that you must manage with care and appropriate sensitivity. Pay attention to the scope and nature of interactions between the kids and your man to determine if there is growing hostility between them. Ensure, therefore, that the kids do not plan and execute a knowing disruption of your romance if in the totality of your judgment you want the man. When, for instance, your new friend telephones and your child answers the call, finely find out whether the encounter was friendly and warm or just one of tolerance. Note that your friend, out of respect or other considerations, may not report his negative encounters with your child. Your child also may not disclose any hostile encounters to you, particularly if your child initiated or provoked the hostility. Find out, if that is the case, why your child dislikes your mate or potential mate. Discuss the matter with your man and see if both of you can figure out some saving approaches. When you find a good man, explore with him some exhilarating ways and means of enhancing goodwill in the three-way interaction of the child, the man, and you. The idea is to keep a good man and make him feel welcome. |
| The “Jacque Syndrome” You cannot find a sweetheart relationship if you stay conscious and watchful of the extent to which you intimidate men. Betty wanted a man that was not “intimidated by an independent woman.” Betty is not alone in this mindset. Jacque, a powerful 42-year old vice president of a Fortune 500 company walked around believing she had bad luck with men. She was convinced she “intimidated” men! Jacque, in spite of her corporate success and social power, could not keep a man for any considerable length of time. Jacque did not and could not find the nub or dichotomy between her commanding position at work and the relaxed adventures of romance at home. The Jacque-type woman brings home the job’s arrogance, so to say. She already has numbered and counted her bosses at work and reflexively knows that the man beside her certainly is not one of the bosses to whom she accounts. She consciously or unthinkingly so relates to the man, who quickly finds his ego randomly bruised. The Jacque syndrome thus is a recognizable pattern of thought and action among certain women who seem proudly obsessed with a man’s intimidated reaction to their presence or accomplishment. These are women who believe they have some tasty “caffè latte” accomplishments or uncommon credentials above all other women. The Jacque-type woman often will suggest boastfully how much and how recurrently she intimidates men. “Men are intimidated by me, and I don’t know why,” you would hear the Jacque woman say in a modest show of undignified arrogance. Carolyn, a dentist in Oklahoma, complains that men find her intimidating, and they do. Carolyn sees challenges all around her, even when no challenges exist. She will take a confrontational stance at every turn. So, if her man asked that she do or not do something, Carolyn would make it her obligation to be defiant. “All the men I have dated act as if I intimidate them ... maybe because am beautiful,” she wryly and musingly would say. The fact is that a supercilious or pompous personality is repulsive. Carolyn’s romantic relationships, much like Jacque’s, are very short- lived. In the last ten years, Carolyn reflectively says, her longest relationship lasted six months, and one lasted only three days. She wonders why men seemingly walk in and out of her life with relieved abandon. The answer is that she is defiant and arrogant, and unnecessarily so. Carolyn, like Betty, revels in being an “independent woman,” whatever that means. Carolyn blames it all on her “intimidating” beauty and family upbringing. Her parents raised her, she says, to be “a strong and an independent woman.” The problem, however, is that Carolyn seems to misconstrue the practical import and active purport of this parental directive. One would suppose that her parents instructed her and intended that she be self-reliant and principled, not egoistic and arrogant. Carolyn does not understand that it is her haughtiness and self-imposed sense of importance that put men off. A decent man will find compatibility only with a good woman, compatibility being a couple’s shared desire and ability to coexist in harmony. |
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